Cold ice shivers

hello.

If you followed my Twitter, yes I said there's three ice waiting for me to break. Indeed. I have to be brave, I need to. I just don't like being like this. I should stop running away from problems (trying to). Yes I can bare with it for the rest of my life but I don't want to. We only live once, I chose to face it. 

The first one, we started talking to each other, good sign!

Second one, I tried to initiate conversations for a few times which I won't usually do so, but I get such cold response that I don't even know how to reply. And since that's what I get, at least no regrets, I did what I had to.

The third one, still waiting.

Well actually there are plenty of chances for me to break the ice but meh, you know me. I let the chances flew away one by one. Quietly; silently, because I'm shy and lack of confidence. And then my stupid moves made me regret all the time.  

"My walls went up, as my confidence went down."

K, bye.

Quiet eyes

Some people are just too stupid to understand.

Stupid.

They just won't and will never understand. Why play with people's feelings. Oh is it that fun? What if someone play with yours too? Yea maybe you're too smart to be played by people. Just imagine someday when someone treats your child like that.

Just because of your sudden interest you try to flirt them and then after you got bored you just walk away like nothing happened. Then you pretended like both of you were never once close, as if a hi-bye friend, or maybe worse: a stranger. Why make a move when you decided to stop anyway? Asked, and the answer me and my friend got was, uhm what should I say.. somehow satisfying but not at the same time haha. "Go watch: How I Met Your Mother," was one of the solution. The solutions they gave was kinda good, true and make sense, but hearing from the person's own tongue will surely be better isn't it? Rather than thinking, and over-thinking.

Acts, and all the acts. I mean, why are they like that? How could they just forget all the good times they had when they were close, and go on acting like a stranger/forget everything so easily? I don't understand, never will; people around me are experiencing that, we went around asking but ended up with no solutions. Maybe there is, but hearing from the horse's mouth will definitely be the best solution after all, right?

What an ass; because humans like you are just too scary.

Scumbags.




bye.

Decision-making

what's up hah.


What if I made a wrong decision? Something which have been bothering me for years.

Ok I'm really bad at making decisions, if you ever realised. Afraid of making the wrong decision, taking the first step on deciding is always tough. Either the correct one, or the wrong one. Sacrifices. Well, this sucks.

You need examples? Plenty.

I can't even decide whether to go to school or not. What a vexed girl I am. I'll go around asking people, and after they gave me an answer, I'll hesitate; should I, should I not.

I can't even decide on buying things I like.
Example one: "Mummy can I buy this?" "Buy la." Then I'll be like "Really? Should I buy this?" or even worse;
Example two: "Mummy can I buy this?" "Cannot." "Mummy please I want leh." "Aiyo buy la buy la." "Huh, really meh.. Really can buy?" "Yes." "Really ah.. Don't want lah." Haha, wth right?

Even when choosing food, I'll take the longest time to choose. Kept flipping the menu wondering what should I eat.

When asking my sister if the picture look good; "You see this one nice or not." "Nice." "Really?" Yes." "Really ah.. Nice meh?" "Aiyo not nice lah." "Really not nice? Just now you said nice?" Until my sister got super annoyed. Haha, forgive me.

This is why if you noticed, I always say: "I don't know." or maybe sometimes when you want me to decide something and I said: "Anything." / "Up to you." , please. I really mean it. Don't reply me with: "You choose." / "It's time for you to choose." It's really hard for me, it will never end.




That's all for now, bye!

Attached

sup.


After skipping school for a day, I went back to school today; and I will be skipping again tomorrow lol, because most of the teachers will be absent tomorrow okay! Half of the class will be skipping too haha (I'm still a good girl) . Thursday will be sports day, uhm so.. Should I go? lols.

Yea so I went to school today, and I saw this one guy who will be taking lower 6. He was considered as the first friend I had in this school. We used to be so close and used to chat almost everyday. But I don't know what happened, the amount of chats got lesser day by day and then we just suddenly stop chatting. And when we saw each other just now, we just act like strangers. Why? Okay it's really sad and heartbreaking.

Why do I get treated this way all the time? Yes I know I'm a boring and simple person. It doesn't mean.... sigh. I know everything happens for a reason, at least a reason for me? I don't deserve that too? Hah, I'm just someone who lives under people. When they say yes, then yes. They say no, then no. They stop talking to me, yea I just follow what they want and stop talking to not annoy them. Is this suppose to happen? lols idk. But sometimes, even with a reason, it's still.. sigh idk what to say. Hopefully these won't happen anymore, I'm just super tired of all these shits.

Shouldn't get too attached to people...




bye.

Sun

Sun.


I just love the Sun. I prefer sunny days more than rainy days.

Gloomy days is just so not my thing.

Mornings should be bright. Good mood starts with a bright morning. If my morning is dark and gloomy.. Uhh, how do I continue my day. I wake up for a sunny day, not a cheerless and unwelcoming gloomy morning.

I always wake up early. Sleeping till noon is a no to me, no. The morning is so beautiful, why waste it? Plus, sleeping till noon is like half a day is wasted.

Sorry this post is just too lame haha. Reason I'm typing this is because this will be the last day for me to wake up with the Sun welcoming me. I'll wake up in a dark morning every day because this will be my last day of holidays. Sad. I'll get back to school ugh. Who the heck wants to go to school. I mean, school will be fun at times but.. sigh. How good if Ohana is in the same school with me, best if we're all in the same class. I'll definitely go to school everyday :(

Oh well, since that's not happening, I'll just skip school.

Anyways, happy father's day Mr. Lam! You are the best dad on Earth and I am really proud to be your daughter! Love you, now and forever.




That's all for now!

Harsh reality

hi.


Thinking back, I was busy preparing for my Sem 2 STPM. Until a friend of mine came asking me: "Why do we study?" This question hit me hard. Good question.

Why do I study? I started thinking; & here I am, typing out this entry.

I asked him back. "To gain extra knowledge? But I'm really lazy and don't have motivation to study." he replied. Yup, he was relaxing although exam was just around the corner while me studying like a mad cow.

I don't think I were having that concept while studying, more to memorizing the book. I study because I have to. I have no choice. It's a process. I have no talent in doing anything. Uhm, wrong way to say it. It should be: I haven't found my talent yet.

A wise friend of mine gave me an advice: "Learn to relax before you learn to study." How to relax I can't. I'll literally stress myself out.

One of my friend, he is really talented. He is good in studies, cooking, music, singing, sports, communicating, shares etc. His future is shining aglow.

I studied so hard to achieve flying colours, to not let people look down on me; you know, the kiasu cina spirit. Hahah yes, indeed. To not let my parents down, it really breaks my heart to see their disappointed face. To get a good career? I don't even know what I want to be in the future. Wanted an easy job, but low pay. The ones with high pay, I have no interest and have to study really hard. I want high pay. Doing job I don't like for the rest of my life? Reality; human greed I suppose.

I'd prefer wasting my time at home everyday in front of a computer or tv, or hanging out with my friends than going to school. Though it sounds unproductive, but I don't feel like I'm learning in school. Too much distractions, I'll just talk to my friends and gain no knowledge. And sometimes it seems like I’m being locked up in a jail, teachers were all absent or maybe teacher not planning to teach and we're not allowed to go home, why.

Sigh, I only live once, why can't I do things I like? I mean, I can but I can't. If you get what I mean..




That's all for now, bye.

Insecurities

hey.


Insecure.

Insecure about so many things, like almost everything.

I feel insecure when I think that people might prefer others rather than me, because I'm such a bore and quiet person.

I feel insecure when I'm outside because I came across so many pretty girls and it makes my self-esteem drops down the hill.

I feel insecure when I'm wearing spectacles lololl.

& many many more.

Insecurities made me think a lot. Not the positive side, what a pessimist.

I often overthink things and ended up creating problems that doesn't even exists.

Stress myself out.




That's all for now, bye.

Rage

heys.

I have a bad temper I have to say. I get pissed easily but it only last for awhile I suppose. Just like what I mentioned in my previous post, repeating things will make me get pissed, aha. Well but I'm soft-hearted. Treat me good and you're a good person, to me at least.

but sometimes I just couldn't get angry at my friends, even at times where I have to. They'll just make me laugh even when I'm trying to be serious heh. Afraid that they might hate me after I got mad at them lol. I'm just a pussy.

I can say that I never emo infront of my friends, once in a blue moon maybe? Some people be like showing faces. I can't. And those were people I couldn't stand. Please if you want to show faces, go home. I'm not here to see your cute faces. They'll make me get moody too, ugh what.

There was once where my friend was in a bad mood, while me and my other friends were just trying our best to help her and comfort her but she came throwing her temper on me. Wtf? Don't be so unreasonable and throw all your tantrums on us. What can I do? I just smile since you're not in a good mood.

You see, I will never hold my anger or grudges against people. No matter how bad they hurt me; at the end of the day, I forgive.




Well, I think that's all haha bye.

Stoicism

hello.


Patience is virtue; and if you're wondering if I have patience; hehe sorry to say, but no. No.

I hate waiting.

Waiting for food, waiting for people, waiting for transport, waiting for... just don't. Don't make me wait; don't waste my time.

Slow unifi, no.
I hate waiting for something to load; for example, pictures. I'd rather not see it then. Games, I'd rather not play it. If my food comes slow, or like when everyone is already eating halfway and mine is still not here yet, omg might as well don't come. I'd rather not eat. Cause I won't have the mood already and people will have to wait for me to eat, again. Maybe I'm being inconsiderate, but.. ugh. Sigh.

I hate to repeat whatever I've said. Repeat for the first time, okay. Second time, alright I'll put up with you for one last time; and for the third time, sigh it's okay forget it.

When it comes to teaching, same thing. I can't teach. When my sister has questions on math or maybe something else, I'll definitely got on fire and pissed. She'll get scolded like mad cow. Sorry I just couldn't bear it.

And the transport. Omg I got pissed all the time when I'm following that damn transport. It's not the transporter problem, he's good, really good and responsible. It's the problem of one of my school mate who is also following that transport. Please freaking come out early will you? You're a freaking guy and you expect me to freaking wait for you all the freaking time. And you're coming out late without any valid reason but just to talk to your friends? I'm so glad and greatful that finally I can drive myself to school, I don't have to wait anymore omg thank you very much.

I feel really uneasy and uncomfortable to make people wait for me. I don't make you wait for me so don't ever make me wait for you. Of course I might make you wait for me sometimes but it'll be one out of ten times okay. Sometimes I already tried to be late according to the time promised but I will still be the early one. Whyyyyyyyy.

Sorry but I just don't have patience. I should be more tolerant and considerate.. Sigh.




Okay, that's all for now.

Confusion

Currently in a state of confusion.

Confuse on what I like, what I love. What I really want. What I want to be in the future.

One word: confused.

Somebody guide me..

Mettlesome

what's up.


If you know me, yeah you'll obviously know I'm a freaking shy person.

Always wanted to be a braver person. A more sporting person. I want, I really want to. I tried so hard, but I don't know why on Earth I can't just make the first step on being one. My first step always made me a worry rat. Often afraid if I will humilate myself. Afraid of losing my face. I often persuade myself to be braver, but it always ended up in failure.

To be honest people like that makes me get annoyed and irritated. Yup I get irritated by myself too. I really hate myself for being this way. I have no doubt that people will definitely hate pussies, cause even I myself hate it. But whenever I'm with a more timid person, I don't know what's wrong but eventually I'll get stimulated or hyped up and be braver. For example, when calling for bills and stuffs; or maybe asking stangers for directions. Ahh, whatever.

People with confidence certainly shine more than people like me. Their charms. I admire those who are brave and confident. People will certainly take more glance on those with confidence rather than some peanut like me. Ugh, sad thing.

Trying hard. I need help and guidance. I need supports and motivation.

Sigh, I need more confidence..




That's all for now, bye.